Elves (Movie Review)

Starring Deanna Grace Congo, Stephanie Marie Baggett, Erika Martinez

Directed by Jamaal Buden

So here we are…smack dab in the heart of the holiday season, and the wretched wreck that the un-holly, non-jolly slew of holiday horror has to offer has yet again yacked up another festive hairball that we’re all going to have to stare at until it’s swept off of the living room floor. Like a swift kick in the snowballs from Mrs. Claus’ pointy-toed boots, we’re going to have to deal with the dull pain that is Elves, the sequel to The Elf…if you can bother to remember that miserable lump of coal in your stocking. Christ, I think I’d rather chug year-old eggnog than sit through this mess, but I’ll give you my thoughts on it anyway.

A little sip of my yuletide brew is safely down the hatch, and now I’m ready to be as nice as I humanly can in order to describe this mass of reindeer excrement that landed in my lap – the film follows the story of “The Holiday Reaper” (how amazingly original), a brutal serial killer and his eventual capture by the local authorities. One night while celebrating the apprehending, a group of pals comes across a magical toy box with a cutesy elf stuffed inside, and after the obligatory slaying of one of the clan, a sinister band of these little red and green bastards runs amok in the town, and it remains to be seen if they can be stopped…that literally hurt to even type descriptively. What follows next is more than likely the greatest attempt at literally ripping off another film’s idea, structure AND execution, but I’ll leave it to you all to decipher what flick I’m talking about. We’ve got a collection of amigos who gather to party heavily and the opportunity to play a little truth game comes into the mix, and those not willing to spill the beans must take the punishment that entails possession by aforementioned elves. When said victims have been infiltrated by these demonic little toy-makers, faces are contorted in the most familiar of ways, and while I think I MIGHT have seen this somewhere before…eh, maybe I’m wrong but damn, I’m pretty sure this was done to death in another movie that hit the big screen earlier this year.

I could run this film over and over like a hijacked Zamboni until its roughest edges are silky-smooth, but I don’t have that kind of time, and frankly, I’d be lying if I said this film was worth the watch. Chances are most of you completely missed the first movie in this timeline, and probably won’t bother to check out this one either…or even read this review, for that matter. Anyway, we’ve got mindless babbling from bible verse-spewing kooks, a Krampus mask-wearing killer, and more plot holes that would make Santa want to hurl himself into oncoming traffic. The acting isn’t worth bashing because it really couldn’t be considered as “acting” that I witnessed…unless the actors were trying to convince the audience that they were convincing – whoa, I think I may hve just stumbled onto something here. While we’re at it, don’t EVEN expect me to mention the production of this calamity – just don’t. I’m fairly sure that I’m not in Santa’s good graces this year and I don’t want to risk getting shanked by a sharpened candy cane while I sleep on Christmas Eve. However, if anyone would like to give me a gift this holiday season, it would be nice if you could please adhere to the warning contained within this review and bypass this train-wreck completely. Ho, ho, ho.

Elves (2018)
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